I knew the entire time I was pregnant that I wanted to
breastfeed Aiden. I knew that if I had enough determination, it would work out.
I should have known…
From the beginning; Aiden wouldn’t latch correctly. It didn’t
matter how many lactation consultants helped: it just wasn’t happening. No
biggie. I was willing to pump every time she needed to feed so she could drink
my breast milk from a bottle. It didn’t matter to me how she got the breast milk,
as long as she was getting it.
I started pumping 8-10 times a day and feeding her strictly
from a bottle. It was HARD, but I was willing to do it for her. I was producing
more than double than what she was eating, so we started freezing my milk.
After three weeks, we took Aiden in to the doctor. She was
having poops every 30-45 minutes and they were really gross. They smelled and
looked awful, which was the opposite of everything that we’d been told to
expect. She was very fussy, cried through most of the night, and spit up large
amounts of her food. She was always hungry, almost every 1.5 hours. The doctor decided
to go ahead a treat her for reflux and asked us to bring in a dirty diaper when
we had the chance. She wanted to test it to see if there was anything else
going on.
Two days later, (my birthday…actually) we’d had a horrible
night. She was up almost the entire night screaming. She finally fell asleep
around 8 that morning and Hugh urged me to sleep in. I just KNEW something was
wrong. Instead of sleeping, I changed her and took her in to have the dirty
diaper checked. The nurse called me back and the doctor came in to let me know
that there was blood in Aiden’s diaper. They diagnosed her with Milk Protein
Allergy (NOT lactose intolerance). While I’ve read everything under the sun
about it now, I still like the way her pediatrician explained it to me. Breast
milk has milk proteins in it. Aiden seemed to have an allergy to the proteins
that caused her to have the inability to break them down. Her intestines were
reacting by getting inflamed and bleeding.
Our options?
I could eliminate all dairy and soy from my diet. After
that, I could take a prescription medication to help further breakdown the
proteins in my diet that bother her. Then, I could continue to breast feed.
Aiden might be less fussy, but since NO MATTER WHAT I would still have the milk
proteins in my milk, she would have to be checked periodically for anemia. Her
intestines would still bleed.
OR
I could stop breastfeeding. She would need a special
non-milk based formula (translation: $$$). The bleeding would stop-as would
most of the fussiness. She would most likely outgrow the allergy before she was
a year old and would start regular cow’s milk like all other children.
I started crying. Right there in the office. Her
pediatrician gave me a hug and told me that I needed to let go of the “Mommy
Guilt”. I was devastated that my OWN milk was making her sick. I wanted to
breastfeed her so badly, but I wasn’t going to continue if it would cause her
pain. I was completely devastated.
After Hugh talked me down from the ledge in the parking lot, so to speak, I
went home and mixed up a bottle of the formula that the doctor gave us. She
sucked it down and slept. She didn’t fuss or cry, and better yet…she didn’t
have nasty bowel movements immediately after. After about 24 hours on the
formula her color was better and she was more alert. I had no idea what a
difference it could make.
She’s 100% formula fed now. I’m slowly weaning from
breastfeeding. I was producing too much milk to just stop cold turkey so I’ve
been pumping and freezing the milk. We were going to donate it, but a friend of
ours is taking it and using it for their daughter. I’m so happy that it’s
getting used.
I feel like this was my first lesson in motherhood.
Sometimes, we don’t always get what we want and no matter how determined we are
for something to happen a certain way; it just doesn’t. The only thing that
matters is that Aiden is happy and healthy.
