Breastfeeding

I knew the entire time I was pregnant that I wanted to breastfeed Aiden. I knew that if I had enough determination, it would work out. I should have known…

From the beginning; Aiden wouldn’t latch correctly. It didn’t matter how many lactation consultants helped: it just wasn’t happening. No biggie. I was willing to pump every time she needed to feed so she could drink my breast milk from a bottle. It didn’t matter to me how she got the breast milk, as long as she was getting it.

I started pumping 8-10 times a day and feeding her strictly from a bottle. It was HARD, but I was willing to do it for her. I was producing more than double than what she was eating, so we started freezing my milk. 

After three weeks, we took Aiden in to the doctor. She was having poops every 30-45 minutes and they were really gross. They smelled and looked awful, which was the opposite of everything that we’d been told to expect. She was very fussy, cried through most of the night, and spit up large amounts of her food. She was always hungry, almost every 1.5 hours. The doctor decided to go ahead a treat her for reflux and asked us to bring in a dirty diaper when we had the chance. She wanted to test it to see if there was anything else going on.

Two days later, (my birthday…actually) we’d had a horrible night. She was up almost the entire night screaming. She finally fell asleep around 8 that morning and Hugh urged me to sleep in. I just KNEW something was wrong. Instead of sleeping, I changed her and took her in to have the dirty diaper checked. The nurse called me back and the doctor came in to let me know that there was blood in Aiden’s diaper. They diagnosed her with Milk Protein Allergy (NOT lactose intolerance). While I’ve read everything under the sun about it now, I still like the way her pediatrician explained it to me. Breast milk has milk proteins in it. Aiden seemed to have an allergy to the proteins that caused her to have the inability to break them down. Her intestines were reacting by getting inflamed and bleeding. 

Our options?

I could eliminate all dairy and soy from my diet. After that, I could take a prescription medication to help further breakdown the proteins in my diet that bother her. Then, I could continue to breast feed. Aiden might be less fussy, but since NO MATTER WHAT I would still have the milk proteins in my milk, she would have to be checked periodically for anemia. Her intestines would still bleed.

OR

I could stop breastfeeding. She would need a special non-milk based formula (translation: $$$). The bleeding would stop-as would most of the fussiness. She would most likely outgrow the allergy before she was a year old and would start regular cow’s milk like all other children.

I started crying. Right there in the office. Her pediatrician gave me a hug and told me that I needed to let go of the “Mommy Guilt”. I was devastated that my OWN milk was making her sick. I wanted to breastfeed her so badly, but I wasn’t going to continue if it would cause her pain. I was completely devastated.

After Hugh talked me down from the ledge in the parking lot, so to speak, I went home and mixed up a bottle of the formula that the doctor gave us. She sucked it down and slept. She didn’t fuss or cry, and better yet…she didn’t have nasty bowel movements immediately after. After about 24 hours on the formula her color was better and she was more alert. I had no idea what a difference it could make.

She’s 100% formula fed now. I’m slowly weaning from breastfeeding. I was producing too much milk to just stop cold turkey so I’ve been pumping and freezing the milk. We were going to donate it, but a friend of ours is taking it and using it for their daughter. I’m so happy that it’s getting used.

I feel like this was my first lesson in motherhood. Sometimes, we don’t always get what we want and no matter how determined we are for something to happen a certain way; it just doesn’t. The only thing that matters is that Aiden is happy and healthy.